1.I listen to a song over and over again. My roomies might tell you that. There was once it was sexay back. At concord. I guess the longest most continually played song would be –photobooth by Death Cab for cutie.
2.I play a song over and over again because I think it's a way of remembering a certain period of time. I got a lot of song periods for concord. :)
3.I talk in my sleep. Especially when I'm stressed out. I get afraid sometimes during slumber parties I might freak my friends out for talking in my sleep!
4.I always plan ahead. Knowing fully well that I won't really follow through with most of my plans. I'm a planner : )
5.KNOWN fact. I stress a lot. It makes me study!
6.I start looking at clothes, fashion and go shopping as a way to deal with my stress
7.I've been drunk twice in my life. So far.
8.I over analyze. EVERYTHING. ANYONE. Even the minute facts or actions.
9.I love being in the car when it rains heavily. It's like an invisible blanket.
10.I always end up being good friends with people I initially dislike. Or in Teng's case best friends!
11.I live in phases. I can love one thing to death for a few months. And just go on the next thing after. This patter happens a lot with my clothes.
12.I cannot stop buying clothes. I feel like I just gotten a prize when I buy something new. Maybe because my mummy used to buy presents for me when I do well in school! So shopping really makes me happy. Like a druggg.
13.The person most similar to me is my dad, in terms of attitude and personality. Maybe that's why we either click so well or don't click at all.
14.Apart from being a lawyer, my other longest term ambition was to be a gynecologist. Too bad I'm scared of needles, blood, and BIO!
15.I dropped bio during SPM so that my dad would QUIT BUGGING me to do medicine.
16.The longest lasting thing in my life. In terms of taste. It's APPLEPIE. I have been eating it since I was young. In Malaysia. In concord. London. Apple pie from MacD has been my sole rock to my taste buds.
17.I used to get headache from the smell of leather.
18.I hate it when people sit on my pillow or the place I rest my head atnight. Its like them sitting on my head.Also I have a specific side for my blanket. so that the blanket area which has touched my feet will not be rotated to face my face when I'm sleeping. Its like having ur face at your feet otherwise. Nobody wants their feet on their face!
19.19 is my favorite number because it's the date of the month in which I was born in.
20.I'm bare minimum. My mom can tell you that. I always do my work just enough to achieve what ever I want to achieve. I don't have the discipline to do the best I can and receive nothing. I'm a remuneration sort of person. Maybe that's why I need to set goals for myself in order to work my lazy ass.
21.I maybe vain. But I'm not girly. I may be nice. But I'm not sweet.
22.When I was in Primary school, there was a girl with bad breath. My friends called her Guava breath, I started being overly conscious about my breath since, so much so that I used to brush 5 times a day. Obsessive compulsive? Or insecure?
23.I love peeling stickers, tearing the sides of bank statements and join dotted dots. Pattern there? Oh!! And also I love to burst the bubble wraps. Pop.
24.I love making presents, from cooking to baking to creating presents! It makes the receiver feel special.
25.My first impressions are always misunderstood for being cold, stuck up or snobby. Its not that I cant smile. Its just I'm probably too shy to say anything. So next time you see me, I'm waiting for you to say hi first!
Cut and bruised by the fall again
Lick my wounds like a dog again
Raw music thats finally come back. Chester Bennington's morning after. probably hits the right notes for me. its not that Im depressing nor am I stressed out. I just feel stagnant. like the a lit stick, few puffs into the air . its supposed to feel so good but yet you dont feel anything at all, just the acomplishment of rebelling.
I guess its the fear of getting all stressed out but most importantly the dissapointment I would face if i start all over again. Maybe thats why I'm still stuck in this position. just waiting. not thinking . I always look back to my glory days. studying was so easy it was so motivating. its not anymore. no matter how much I aim I score I try to conquere , it always destroys me. It destroyed me then. it did last month. last month was just a reminder of these hopes and goals I always set myself, only to get told that my best is never good enough.
I always laugh, mock those who never pick themselves up, those who cant see the better side to start working for what they want. but recently I seem to be in that position. I find myself turning into that I mock. I finally came to understand i guess, that the biggest challenge issant really the world it issant really the others. To my biggest challenge its. overcomming myself.
I stil remember that day,clearly. liquid burning down my throat.and i still cursed at the stupid bottle for not taking over my mind. I started downing more, a few more. thats when it hit. and before I realized it, i guess it just kept comming, my conciousness was still awake but it was more like the inhibitions that werent there. That girl caught me when I was literally dizzied and red. If anything I was embarassed, I hate people see me so stupid and pathetic. I guess theres a fine like between pity and pathetic. I crossed over to pathetic. I started ranting about the past years, from ucas. to the breakup. to law. to the interview. i guess I wassnt really the interview but it was more of the continuous dissapointments I have to put up with. the other girl then came. I went down. trashed my cash onto the cashier. the lights please. I guess whats more pathetic than a drunkard is on who cant light a lighter. some sign of rebellion. I have always wondered how'd one would look blowing the smoke up in the air. but yet I need another to flick the flames. the firsh inhale felt, I guess i cant rememebr my first inhalation. i jsut rememberd my few other ones and i didnt feel special. I just felt relieved that for once I'm unpredictable. for once. I just broke my principles. for once. My little rant towards myself is going to shut up and listen to my nerves. for once it wassant just the smoke that was blown out, it was my tears, my anger . my anger. They all listened. I listened to myself. I laid my cards out onto the table. and I listened to myself. it felt good. Rebelion against myself. felt really good. and untill now Im still living from the hype 1 month ago. Im still living the high I steamed off. I guess its time to stop. and to start the process again. -3 essays 4 tutorials and 2 chapters to another end of my 4th reading of my undergarudate life.
been coming upon lots of overview pieces on the whole 2008 ordeal. from subprime.to lehman. to job cuts. to more sales! :)
feeling inspired by all these overviews. financial news never sold so well* I started thinking back toward my outlook on 2008.
So many 1st times, so many new things. much to learn from. 2008 : I spent my first Valentine's, which turned out to be the nightmare of the week following up to it.
I broke up for the first time :) a continuing process in which I learnt so much from
My first time cutting my hair SHORT since 2002.
Changing my hair style 4 times. from long curly hair bangs. to crop bangs. to side crop. to asymmetrical
Longest time I've been away from home
First time visiting Taiwan
My first job! Paris 3500 euros in a month :)
My first and probably last clubbing event I planned.
My 1st fake fur.
My first Jean Paul Gautlier
The first time I've felt true recognition and granted the chance for something more. 5% out of the 2000 applications.
My 2009. The year I turn 21. the most crucial year. training contract applications. RESULTS. etc.
I am starting to realize. its time to be selfish and at the same time generous. Selfish towards my thoughts and time. Generous towards other subtle things I hold dear to me.
I know my goals. I know my wishes. I have my dreamsss. its time to take myself seriously. Friends. and a social life can wait. Obligations will never hold me, as the only obligation I have towards anything Its to myself and family to do very well. I will be selfish with my time from now on. I will be selfish with my thoughts to stop overthinking things.
getting into the new year. I am truely happy . I realized I have never been this happy in a long time. and I am looking forward to improving. I am looking forwards to lead myself to dooors I've never thought I could ever open in the past. Thank you 2008 for providing me with the opportunities 2009 has to offer. 2009 I look forward to meeting you in a few hours time.
HOW AWESOME is AWESOME! SCREW the fact tht King's College London. has an anti graduation hat policy. we get VIVIEN WESTWOOOD DESIGNING OUT GRADUATION GOWNS. This hits plus points on several differing areas for kings. Fashion statement being one of the top of the lists. http://kcl.ac.uk/news/news_details.php?news_id=851&year=2008
and as quoted from wiki- "A known anti-hat campaigner, Westwood in 2008 designed a mortarboard-less graduation ensemble for King's College London, much to the chagrin of those students who had selected to receive their degree award from the institution rather than the University of London. King's will be conferring its own degrees for the first time in summer 2008." - so maybe the anti hat campaign is a goood thing afteralll . or id like to think its our prestige tht (also alil of tht anti hat requirement) tht brings VIVIEN WESTWOOOD!!!!! to design for us.
hopefully. we, or when i graduate. in 2 yrs time. the hopefully kick ass robes (how could they not be) would still be used by us. For law its Silve. hmmm im thinking..... futuristic. I cannot imagine a better designer to "do" our gowns. comtrmporary rebel rock based inspired lines, westwood a true british designer. brought up kings and the word fashion statement for university dressing up to a totally differnt level. HOW COOL IS COOOL.
Maybe we'll get the orb. as a tinklet. or soemthing *so much for dreaming*. although the line's not been shown. i truely hope itll loook as kick as as her ANGLOMANIA LINE!!! he red label's hot too. argh!!! THE WESTWOOOD craving in me!!!!!
for the first time. since early last year. i find my sleep deeply affected my thoughts that constantly infects me. I need a new canvas. one where i can shed new tears as i paint it . one where the strokes are'nt so vile. My head is always spinning. my throat find's it hard to swallow. I dont know how i ever let myself turn out this way. Its true. people change.and the people who you meet change you. But thinking back. until current. how did i let myself turn so ugly. sometimes. i feel so sad looking, when i think about how I turned out. i just want to go back. to the year 2006 . where nothing really affected me. nothing ever harmed me. where. the strokes on the canvas, were soft and smooth. as though controlled. although. maybe the change is inevitable. but i choose not to believe it. as i dont think its possible to turn so much. It scares me that everynight sleeps feels so foreign here, and that i'm not equipped for the battles ahead. It never used to be like this. i used to konw the counts. the essential preparations. the necessary moves. now all cause is lost. and for the first time i've never felt so lost. What hurts the most is the mask that has to be put on everyday i wake up. its so tiring now. this internal struggle. is a lost cause. and sometimes i feel like giving up. maybe hitting rock bottom issant so scarry and atleast hitting rock bottom. i wouldnt have to fear the unexpected anymore. hauntingly. its the though of staying in this state. a constant trance and coma that although doesnt put you to sleep, keeps you in this vegetative state.
My heart once drugged. felt like the jar filled with red seeds that holds past pictures. now. like the jar. it is drained from the red seeds. empty. all lost. so many times. i pictured smashing this jar. only to find that i cant really find a place to smash it and watch it crash into pieces. i envision that to feel free. i even though of throwing it away. just like i did the seeds. but it feels as though im sending an emptyness away. but and this emptyness would go on forever.
maybe all i need now . is a big hard slap back to reality. i want to find myself again . i dont want to think and think. and.. think. i want to wish wells, and truely mean it. although it breaks me. i want to go back. although its stupid to say i wanna turn less into the person i am now. but i want to be happy. as i was last time. i dont konw how i turned out this way. or maybe i do. but chose to ignore .
The painted veil, has and is a terrific fresh. new materials towards block buststers. it may be not all action, all packed. infact its all too slow moving. but its the type of show that you truely wish the ending never comes. The scenes are gorgeous. To sidetrack, i noticed edward norton's shows always adds a different feeling that strays from the ordinary storyline. Fight club was damn goood. esp the ending. It slightly followed the secret window where edward's character found out he was insane all along. however. the twist wassnt that obvious and it definitely got me hoooked the the song "where is my mind" by Placebo
Back to t he painted veil. as usual a stunning performance by Mr Norton *gushes*. but you cant help but feel a tinge of hate towards naomi's character in the beginning.Unlike the usual shows which start off with a big bang, by introducing the fictional characters, maybe with one of them flying around with a piece of mechanical tool called the motorcycle, this started off. slow. akward.definitely SILENT.with every slight movement exaggerated(though not in tht slowmotion jump thing). pin pointing the main relationship of the show. then comes the flash backs. The visual effects were . absent. but. the settings made up for that, also the ending was good.
THe part tht really pissed me off was well apart fomr the fact that the show ended, was we didnt konw whose child it was, welll apart form the fact tht the child did kindda look liek edward norton. but.. i mean im still not sure . haha. also. WHY DID HE DIE *here's ur spoiler" why!!!! i really really liked him. oh well. the only people would have aftermath feelings towards the show would probably be, when they feel sad or a sense of dissapointment towards their favourite character. LIke how a walk to remember got its hits!, and many that follow, the fastest most effective way to get viewer votes would be to kill the character! BUT STILL. dmna he was goood!
To contrast, where (expectedly) the painted veil lacked in visual effects, but made up in plot, sweeny tood lacked in plot but HANDS DOWN MADE UP IN VISUAL EFFECTS. I CANNO begin the describe the underlying theme, the beauty, the contradicting wonder in art brought forth all in one stark motion picture. Although predictable. the visual the motion picture. was good. The blood to begin with was suitable for all ages (Atleast above 12) as it did not look real as to make the scene gory and SAW like. howeve it did telll a story. how the blood showed revenge and as it splashed burst in colours it enhanced the rage the anger the hate. Notice how the blood flowed straight down. neat. yet less elaborated, when "todd" sliced his wife's neck, although not knowing it was his wife, it was a way to make looking at what his hatred has done more bearable. By that i mean, the audiences of the less crude mind would probably shun away from each kill, but this kill however, the directors need the eyes to be on her death, to protray the story, how revenge has gotten the best out of him. My favourite scene was during the day dream. the beach to the wedding scene. tot he peir. i really really love the scene at the peir. This was the most ingenious contrast. First the facial expression of sweeny opened the gate was towards glooomy stark essence, to such a bright peer, somewhat joyous scemen. making it eerily contradictory to the whole setting. and how the passer bys wear whit only to contrast the innocence that the girl in red did not have. This being a possible symbol of her guilty passion. which in the ending is revealed. Hidin the OH SO OBVIOUS! secret that his wife's not dead. I mean, was i the only one who guessed the beggar was his wife??? shows these days are sooo predictable, the more they try to make a twist at the ending the more they fail. I would say the same for the painted veil. the only difference was that, the ending was easily guessed but, unlike sweeny todd, i didnt want the main character to die. thus ignoring everysingel fact tht screamed tht might die. and yes.the only way to end this dark melodrama was if sweeny toodd died. The class of such a visual masterpiece would have been jeapordised if they had a hAPPY ENDING. it would then be another stupid blonde flick. only thing is tht its not all the blonde!
Also ironicly the little boy sweeny saved, from the clutches of his formed master, killed him in the end.. The whole show played on ironic sync, which unraveled one after the other. From the good turned evil barber. to killing the judge who he though killed his wfe, but actually killing her himself. Although i will give credit to the last frame. where the blood really looked like a work of art . when the bleeding main character. held the frail body of his wife.soaked in bloood for his possible hundreth time, basking in regret and final acceptance to his fate.
----- clover field------ u're next! *anyone wanna watch with meeee?*
HOhoHO:D my. faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavourite. time of the year. CHristmas. apart from the stress ill get right after xmas. it still is my fav!.
i LOVE IT SOOO SOOO MUCH THT. ive gone bonkers wiht my room :) i have a tree. yes. a tree. a slightly. crooked. slanted. crazy but MY TREE! a smmmmaaaal room like mine. with tonnns of things. how would a tree fit????
GUESS!
XMAS TREE ON THE WALL! ahah
SEEE MY SANTA SOCK??? hahaha!!!! its really vr vr vr uneven. but its HARD kkk! ahahahah sooo happy. i tooo soooooooo long to do it. haha its 10 now. i started redecorating. ransacking my stuffff at 7. for all my xmas deco's. wrapping pressents. writting cards. ahhaa soo much so. an ameture like me who usually spends xmas with my dad doing all the deco. is sooo proud of her theme park lokoing room. im gnna BLOG about ever SINGLE thing :) new . wahahhaha. -XMAS HIGH-
PRESENTS. mine . and mine to give :)
:) mum's xmas tag. in which i tooook haha.serves more purpose here than in her drawer. least it can be BLOGGGGGED!
somghitng alreadt there but still!. an xmas cracker and my MISCO ball:) (mickey + disco= misco)
nothing festive. but new collections to the room :)!!!! haha note hangar.
someones! xmas card!!!!! ahahha -if i tell. -its no more a supprised :P
i think xma's theme should be GREEEEEN and red. so yea!
till then. ill finaly take a shower. this post was in such a rush. a high. and a mess. just was in the moood to swing alil xmas here n there. till then!. its alll study *hopefully* till xmas . a merry berry CHIRSTMAS TO YOUUUUUUUU
the lies people tell just to get money. the lies people use to get money.lies that abuses religion. lies that cause children to be abused.
sick sick sick. I dont feel thankful at all, to be in a civilised part of world tht i live in. but sad and dissapointed how the world cannot live in civilised parts like where i am. imagine. poor children. for the first time i dont feel pitty but disgust. how can parents. abandon. not just abandon but inflict such suffering onto their own child, just to trust the words of myths. interesting as it is sadistic, how people can base their whole belifs religion culture, on soemhting they ahve not seen or felt before. witchcraft. to listen to a pastor preach about the evil things their kids can do, by making parents to do these things instead. they are not any better if not worst. than what they fear of .
im raged by this. poor kids. having ur own flesh and bloood stare at ur like a monster. talk about u as if u ARE a monster infront of u.
I felt extermely emotional and stupid today. but after wathicng this. i feel nothing but disgust and pity. for the parents. to be living in such a lie.
life on a wooden boat. its rocky. its unstable. its cold .its wet.creaky.
its neve r going to end untill i get out. im out . hope to never return to that boat. if anything. a new one. on a new day.
chirstmas is fast approaching. people going back.people staying. im staying. work work wokr! and play on the 22nd till 1st. then its all study again :) .
hope it works out. must really tryyyyy :P . must saveee tooo. then come 26th. ill bring out the bigg gunns. SHOPPPPT ILL I LITERALLY DROPPP *eyes shining bigggggg*
i find shopping really theraputic. i feel the joyyyy and its not momentary joy. joy of everlasting.... months! atleast. with clothes. wear re-wear. mix match. aaaaaaaaah :)
yesterday was easy happyness came and went - razorlight america- thts really nostalgic. some songs, kept playing they remind u of tht certain period u keep playing. whne im hooked to a song i tend to play it over and over. in the future when i play it back ill remember how it felt then.
my head spins,somewhere below my shoulders hurt. squeezes. i dont believe in a heart feeling feelings. but i believe in the beats and breaths of a body. if it hurts. its the sudden jolt of heart rate.
thinking back on how easy it was last time. when we thought it wassant easy at all. when we had it. its only when we've lost we'd appreciate it. now i laugh at my feelings . i feel amused. very amused. it feels alien now. all the tears, all the locked up thoughts. even when i feel sad. it feels sooo alien. something that probably requires experimenting. its been really tough to actually admit it. but yes. this is my first heart break. it feel like cracks. it literally does. emptyness would be a comfort to the chaos ive been feeling for the past 5 weeks.
how ironic the song on playing on my play list right now as i type this is -ill stay with you- by switch foot. cause really no matter how hard it is. no matter how empty it is. nothing is going to remain the same. nothing would be as tough as remaining here. nothing would make it go back. it hurts.i dont know what does. but it really hurts inside. Ive always thought how its over rated when people say how their hearts feels like its ripping. it really does feel like its ripping. The cure. is to leave and forget. nothing would hurt more, be as draining as staying at the same position as i was in the past few weeks. trying to tape back an already broken glass is never going to work. its been punched severly. fallen. broken into peices. no matter how much it was denied and tapped back. dry eyes, bitter tears.
Finally its admitted. no more thoughts. nothing. - - - law time - - -
:)
