for the first time. since early last year. i find my sleep deeply affected my thoughts that constantly infects me. I need a new canvas. one where i can shed new tears as i paint it . one where the  strokes are'nt so vile. My head is always spinning. my throat find's it hard to swallow. I dont know how i ever let myself turn out this way. Its true. people change.and the people who you meet change you. But thinking back. until current. how did i let myself turn so ugly. sometimes. i feel so sad looking, when i think about how I turned out. i just want to go back. to the year 2006 . where nothing really affected me. nothing ever harmed me. where. the strokes on the canvas, were soft and smooth. as though controlled. although. maybe the change is inevitable. but i choose not to believe it. as i dont think its possible to turn so much. It scares me that everynight sleeps feels so foreign here, and that i'm not equipped for the battles ahead. It never used to be like this. i used to konw the counts. the essential preparations. the necessary moves. now all cause is lost. and for the first time i've never felt so lost. What hurts the most is the mask that has to be put on everyday i wake up. its so tiring now. this internal struggle. is a lost cause. and sometimes i feel like giving up. maybe hitting rock bottom issant so scarry and atleast hitting rock bottom. i wouldnt have to fear the unexpected anymore. hauntingly. its the though of staying in this state. a constant trance and coma that although doesnt put you to sleep, keeps you in this vegetative state.

My heart once drugged. felt like the jar filled with red seeds that holds past pictures. now. like the jar. it is drained from the red seeds. empty. all lost. so many times. i pictured smashing this jar. only to find that i cant really find a place to smash it and watch it crash into pieces. i envision that to feel free. i even though of throwing it away. just like i did the seeds. but it feels as though im sending an emptyness away. but and this emptyness would go on forever.

maybe all i need now . is a big hard slap back to reality. i want to find myself again . i dont want to think and think. and.. think. i want to wish wells, and truely mean it. although it breaks me. i want to go back. although its stupid to say i wanna turn less into the person i am now. but i want to be happy. as i was last time. i dont konw how i turned out this way. or maybe i do. but chose to ignore .