Lick my wounds like a dog again
Raw music thats finally come back. Chester Bennington's morning after. probably hits the right notes for me. its not that Im depressing nor am I stressed out. I just feel stagnant. like the a lit stick, few puffs into the air . its supposed to feel so good but yet you dont feel anything at all, just the acomplishment of rebelling.
I guess its the fear of getting all stressed out but most importantly the dissapointment I would face if i start all over again. Maybe thats why I'm still stuck in this position. just waiting. not thinking . I always look back to my glory days. studying was so easy it was so motivating. its not anymore. no matter how much I aim I score I try to conquere , it always destroys me. It destroyed me then. it did last month. last month was just a reminder of these hopes and goals I always set myself, only to get told that my best is never good enough.
I always laugh, mock those who never pick themselves up, those who cant see the better side to start working for what they want. but recently I seem to be in that position. I find myself turning into that I mock. I finally came to understand i guess, that the biggest challenge issant really the world it issant really the others. To my biggest challenge its. overcomming myself.
I stil remember that day,clearly. liquid burning down my throat.and i still cursed at the stupid bottle for not taking over my mind. I started downing more, a few more. thats when it hit. and before I realized it, i guess it just kept comming, my conciousness was still awake but it was more like the inhibitions that werent there. That girl caught me when I was literally dizzied and red. If anything I was embarassed, I hate people see me so stupid and pathetic. I guess theres a fine like between pity and pathetic. I crossed over to pathetic. I started ranting about the past years, from ucas. to the breakup. to law. to the interview. i guess I wassnt really the interview but it was more of the continuous dissapointments I have to put up with. the other girl then came. I went down. trashed my cash onto the cashier. the lights please. I guess whats more pathetic than a drunkard is on who cant light a lighter. some sign of rebellion. I have always wondered how'd one would look blowing the smoke up in the air. but yet I need another to flick the flames. the firsh inhale felt, I guess i cant rememebr my first inhalation. i jsut rememberd my few other ones and i didnt feel special. I just felt relieved that for once I'm unpredictable. for once. I just broke my principles. for once. My little rant towards myself is going to shut up and listen to my nerves. for once it wassant just the smoke that was blown out, it was my tears, my anger . my anger. They all listened. I listened to myself. I laid my cards out onto the table. and I listened to myself. it felt good. Rebelion against myself. felt really good. and untill now Im still living from the hype 1 month ago. Im still living the high I steamed off. I guess its time to stop. and to start the process again. -3 essays 4 tutorials and 2 chapters to another end of my 4th reading of my undergarudate life.